How to Spend $20
By David Mumpower
June 12, 2007
BoxOfficeProphets.com
Mr. Gonzalez may not be able to recall all the way back to February of this year, but this movie is a rare early year drama about governmental espionage. Generally, these sorts of methodical spy vs. spy thrillers are saved for either the summer box office campaign a la The Bourne Identity or end-of-year awards season a la Spy Game. Breach lacks the star power of either of those titles, so Universal slotted it during a time of year when all of the competition's quality is supposed to be shaky. Given that Breach is widely regarded as a great movie (currently 83% at Rotten Tomatoes), this bit of counter-programming should have proved more successful than it did. Breach has earned $33.0 million domestically, making it an okay performer for the studio but not a breadwinner. For my part, I have seen Breach and I find it to be a masterful demonstration of Chris Cooper's acting ability, but the movie leaves me cold on the whole. It lacks the gripping moments a great spy thriller needs to be remembered as one of the great ones. I hope you have better luck with it than I did.
For people who drive their friends nuts by constantly making Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris jokes: Walker, Texas Ranger: The Third Season (7-DVD Set) (1995)
They were funny for about two weeks, folks. Now, it's time to let them go. I beg of you.
For R. Kelly: Daddy's Little Girls
Tyler Perry's magic officially wore off with this, his third major studio release. After the popular transvestite's first two movies earned $50.4 million against a $5.5 million budget and $63.2 million against a $6.0 million budget, this production managed only $31.1 million against a $30 million budget (Perry got a raise, and that's the cause of the budget spike). The explanation is simple enough. As I type this, Daddy's Little Girls is currently ranked as the 40th worst movie of all-time on IMDb. By my count, that makes it Perry's best movie to date.
For a Valentine's Day gift for that special Suicide Girl you love: Blood and Chocolate
Sure, the title may sound like a romantic, soon to be sensuous evening ruined by an ill-timed menstrual cycle, but this movie is actually based upon a popular pre-teen/teen novel written by Annette Curtis Klause. The idea for a theatrical adaptation is simple. This is exactly the same demographic that makes or breaks horror movies. So, converting a title that already has a built-in fan-base should guarantee solid box office, right? RIGHT??? Uh, no. Blood and Chocolate opened to a lousy $2.1 million and that number sadly represents the majority of its final domestic total, $3.5 million. It received no studio support and the reason why is just as simple as was the case with Daddy's Little Girls above. The movie is by all accounts horrible, earning a dreadful 10% rating at Rotten Tomatoes (even Daddy's Little Girls managed 24%) and not doing much better in terms of audience acceptance. Blood and Chocolate's best hope now is to discover a second life on home video. Having not seen the movie yet, I won't discount this possibility but it seems...ambitious. Then again, so did Boondock Saints once upon a time.
For Allen Iverson: The Practice Volume One
Iverson's rant still stands as one of my favorite sports quotes of all time: " "If I can't practice, I can't practice. It is as simple as that. It ain't about that at all. It's easy to sum it up if you're just talking about practice. We're sitting here, and I'm supposed to be the franchise player, and we're talking about practice. I mean listen, we're sitting here talking about practice, not a game, not a game, not a game, but we're talking about practice. Not the game that I go out there and die for and play every game like it's my last but we're talking about practice man. How silly is that?
Now I know that I'm supposed to lead by example and all that but I'm not shoving that aside like it don't mean anything. I know it's important, I honestly do but we're talking about practice. We're talking about practice man. We're talking about practice. We're talking about practice. We're not talking about the game. We're talking about practice. When you come to the arena, and you see me play, you've seen me play right, you've seen me give everything I've got, but we're talking about practice right now."
None of this has anything to do with The Practice, the television show, but I find myself thinking of the above quote and get distracted. As for The Practice itself, no one remembers this now but the show was given almost no network support upon release. An eight episode order was given, the type of token purchase for a mid-season replacement with no hope of renewal. David E. Kelley has never been the type of writer who would run to the middle in hopes of finding some moderate public reception, though.
In eight episodes, Kelley crafted a fascinating back-story for a group of struggling attorneys who were the living, breathing definition of ambulance chasers. They were struggling to keep their business afloat and their paychecks from bouncing. Their sole hope was a potential rainmaker of a lawsuit involving big tobacco. While the employees of the firm attempted to come up with the money to wage war against one of the largest and most accredited law firms in the country, a second storyline emerged that made the show must-watch television for me. A rabbi and friend of the firm went on national television and declared that he had counseled a man that if he committed an act of murder as retribution for another slaying, God would forgive him. This "eye for an eye" story arc was the most daring legal exploration television had ever done up until that time.
The shocking nature of the show's secondary storyline unexpectedly captured the attention of the network as well as a loyal core of weekly viewers. The Practice shockingly received a pick-up for the fall season, two of the episodes initially ordered were held off until then, and the show went on to not only run for eight dynamic seasons but also spawned a beloved spin-off, Boston Legal. Since the first season technically only aired six episodes, this box set includes more than just season one. The package contains the first 13 episodes comprising all of season one as well as the first portion of season two, which contains 28 episodes, a massive amount by network standards. Presumably, Volume Two will be comprised of the other 22 episodes from that season and the distribution pattern for the rest of the seasons will be normalized after that.
For the three remaining living fans of Stan Jones: Ghost Rider
Stan Jones wrote (Ghost) Riders in the Sky. A quarter century later, a not quite legally actionable comic book character of roughly the same premise arrived. And 30-some years after that, Nicolas Cage starred in a movie that critics and mainstream movie-goers agreed was not good. Despite this, it opened to $52.0 million on its way to $115.8 million in total box office. Have we learned nothing from Daredevil? Apparently not.
For easily confused Transformers fans: Primeval
To make more than the paltry $10.6 million this title managed, Hollywood Pictures should have named it Optimus Primeval. Sure, such a title might be legally actionable, but at least it would have earned enough money to justify a lawsuit or two. Primeval is in the Anaconda/Lake Placid genre of a sea monster feasting on humans. Unfortunately, it's nowhere near as good as either of those titles, which makes me sad since it stars two people I really like in Dominic Purcell and Brooke Langton. If you like the genre BOP's Dan Krovich hilariously describes as "Animals Eating Humans = $$$", you might like it more than I did.
For poker fans unsure who in the blue hell this Gabe Kaplan guy is: Welcome Back, Kotter: The Complete First Season
Did I ever tell you about my uncle Gabe? He turned his real life experiences as a remedial teacher into a popular television show in the 1970s. Due to some excellent timing, he even captured lightning in a bottle by casting the soon-to-be famous John Travolta as one of his students, a group he nicknamed The Sweathogs. Over a period of three good seasons, and one disastrous year that included the dreaded phase of "network re-tooling", Uncle Gabe became one of the most popular sitcom stars of the 1970s as well as a killer performer in the annual Battle of the Network Stars competitions. Unfortunately for him, for the next 15 years, no one remembered his era after it was gone. Bitter and dejected, Uncle Gabe slunk off the seedy underworld of high stakes gambling, becoming a cautionary tale for other sitcom stars about what could happen to them if they fought their network and lost.
Uncle Gabe had some success in the world of poker, becoming a solid player as well as a noted analyst of the game. But it was not until the early 1990s when Nickelodeon started re-airing episodes of Uncle Gabe's show that people were reminded of why he was famous. Soon afterward, the world of poker received an unexpected boost in terms of media saturation and Uncle Gabe was suddenly semi-popular once more. Now the host of three different television poker programs (out of approximately 370), Kaplan is back in the public spotlight. So, some enterprising network bean counter has realized that there might be money to be made in re-releasing his sitcom on DVD. For his part, Uncle Gabe is content to make acerbic, cerebral jokes that soar way above the heads of his audience members while he quietly lives every day seeking redemption for unleashing John Travolta upon a world of innocent bystanders. To a certain extent, Battlefield Earth is squarely Uncle Gabe's fault.
Signed,
Epstein's Mother
For Magnum P.I. fans looking for a dis-satisfactory but readily available substitute: Jesse Stone: Death in Paradise (2006) and Jesse Stone: Night Passage (2006)
This isn't quite as depressing as watching Gabe Kaplan doing World Series of Poker commentary during the days before hole cards were shown on camera and nobody watched, but it's pretty damned close. I miss the days when Tom Selleck was a huge star.
Deadwood: The Complete Third Season
Parting is such sweet mother-%*$&ing, $*$&-sucking, sorrow. Deadwood, one of the most innovative and historically engaging shows in television history has come and gone. Fans are left with but one hope. It might one day appear again briefly in the form of a couple of two hour teleplays. Series creator David Milch promised Deadwood's passionate viewers that this would happen at some point, but the specifics of when remain unclear as of yet despite the occasional rumor about a potential filming date.
Until that day comes, Deadwood die-hards are left with this, the final DVD compilation of the series. The good news is that if this is all the Deadwood there is ever going to be, the show goes out on a creative high point. The key is the arrival of million dollar man, George Hearst (Gerald McRaney in the performance of his life). With the camp largely settled and the feud between Sheriff Seth Bullock (BOP fave Timothy Olyphant) and shadowy casino owner Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) largely settled, the new settlement of Deadwood has reached a degree of daily equilibrium until Hearst arrives.
Intent to clean out the mines of every ounce of gold ("the color") the area possesses, Hearst sets out to buy or destroy anything that gets in his way. This causes Bullock and Swearengen to become unlikely allies as the town's residents form an alliance to wage war against the rich usurper. Over time, the conflict turns from a war of words between Hearst and Swearengen into a bloody series of encounters. First, Hearst's side claims a finger. Then, Swearengen's group claims an eye. Finally, Hearst slays one of the most popular residents of the town, knowing that there may be no retaliation.
He eventually demands a body as an act of submission from the locals, attempting to prove once and for all that despite a brief incarceration, George Hearst is above the law. How the relatively lawless town reacts when their semblance of order is undone by an outsider with the financial wherewithal to crush all opposition is what makes Deadwood: The Complete Third Season a masterful batch of television episodes. It's highly recommended viewing, making it the runaway choice for BOP DVD of the Week.
DVD releases for the week of June 12, 2007:
Against Time (2001)
Ashura (2005)
Blood and Chocolate (2007)
The Bow (2006)
Breach (Full Frame) (2007)
Breach (Widescreen) (2007)
The Bridge (2006)
The Clown Murders (1975)
Criminal Law (1989)
Daddy's Little Girls (2007)
Days of Glory (2006)
Deadwood: The Complete Third Season (4-DVD Set) (2006)
Diagnosis Murder: The Second Season (6-DVD Set) (1994)
DishDogz (2005)
Glastonbury (2006)
Grbavica: The Land of My Dreams (2006)
Hellboy Animated: Blood & Iron (2007)
Jesse Stone: Death in Paradise (2006)
Jesse Stone: Night Passage (2006)
Late Ozu (5-DVD Set)
MÄR: Gateway to MÄR (Vol. 1) (2003)
Masters of Horror: The Screwfly Solution (2006)
The Practice: Volume One (4-DVD Set) (1997)
Pretty Cool Too (2006)
Primeval (2007)
Raining Stones (1993)
The Two of Us (Criterion Collection) (1968)
An Unreasonable Man (2007)
Waiting for Happiness (2002)
Walker, Texas Ranger: The Third Season (7-DVD Set) (1995)
A Wedding (1978)
Welcome Back, Kotter: The Complete First Season (4-DVD Set) (1975)
Zzyzx (2005)