How to Spend $20
By David Mumpower
June 29, 2005
BoxOfficeProphets.com
For Men with Bowties Who Have Been Humiliated on National Television: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Indecision 2004 (2005)
I'm not quite sure how anyone ever found Tucker Carlson employable in the first place. It's even more bewildering to me that after he was emasculated on his own show and (rightfully) fired, someone else gave him a gig. He and Jon Stewart might not be drinking buddies, but they do serve as a brilliant comparison of the current flaws with media coverage. Stewart, the comedian posing as a talking head, has if anything more credibility than his more accredited counterpart. How this has come to pass involves a damnation of 24 hour news channels as a whole, but also mainstream news in general. Younger, hipper viewers who have grown tired of the news that comprised their parents' generation have clung to The Daily Show as an oasis in the political desert. This compilation of the best bits from the presidential campaign will not only sell very well, but its target demographics will be the stuff of myth and legend. Jon Stewart has methodically grown to be the under-35 generation's Walter Cronkite. How is that for a scary thought?
For Omarosa: Diary of a Mad Black Woman (2005)
Author Tyler Perry has a loyal following and is one of the most accomplished young playwrights in the country. Even allowing for that, I strongly doubt that Perry himself would have predicted the tremendous success the movie found in theaters. Critics reviled the project to the point that only 16 of the 97 reviews at RottenTomatoes are positive. But the African-American answer to Bridget Jones proved to be more popular than the charming Brit. Stupefying as it may seem, Diary of a Mad Black Woman had a better opening weekend than the combined totals of the two Bridget Jones outings. Box office muscle aside, the film is rather formulaic in nature and should prove comforting to chick flick fans.
For New York Yankees fans: Game Over: The Complete Collection (2-DVD Set) (2004)
Apparently, this was a short-lived animated television series in 2004. I say apparently because we are in the business of tracking this sort of thing yet I couldn't recall a thing about it prior to doing research. The show has the clever (?) idea to merge the videogame world with our own through the magic of sitcoms. A family has the usual garden variety misadventures, but theirs include cameos from popular videogame characters. See, a socially awkward teen discovering from her aptitude test that she is destined to be a ski instructor is funny. But now imagine these comic hijinks amplified by the possibility of an appearance by Q-Bert or Lara Croft. How did this show fail??? Err, anyway, it's now available on DVD, so the possibility exists that a newfound audience will discover it. But I doubt it.
For glib people like Matt Lauer who don't know. They just don't...know. : H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds (2005)
Hmm, it seems that there is a second recent recreation of the H.G. Wells classic, meaning that somebody somewhere didn't do a very good job of securing rights to the property. This project does not have any crazy scientologists in it as far as I know. What it does have is Jake Busey and C. Thomas Howell, and boy howdy, that's more than enough for me. I mean, we're talking Jake Busey! He was the Goose to Casper Van Dien's Maverick in Starship Troopers. And C. Thomas Howell? He was, according to his IMDb bio, chosen one of the 20 Most Promising New Actors of 1986. Forget Tom Cruise. THIS is the project with all the star power! Okay, I acknowledge that the prior sentences are crazy talk but in my defense, it's a genuinely lousy week for new DVD releases.
For people who will miss Alias while Jennifer Garner is off having her hellspawn: La Femme Nikita: The Complete Third Season (1999)
This series ran from 1997-2001 on USA. There can be little disputing the fact that it was at least an incidental inspiration for the later JJ Abrams work that started pretty much the instant this one went off the air. It's the latter production that has made Jennifer Garner a star and allowed her to procreate with Ben Affleck's demon seed, rendering the body of humanity vulnerable to the coming end of days. So, if you are looking for something to blame, this show is as good as anything outside of Gigli. It is, however, highly recommended for its tense plotlines and novel ideas for claustrophobic storytelling. Also, it doesn't hurt that Peta Wilson is easy on the eye.
For Michael Jackson's dates: The Pacifier (2005)
Vin Diesel and Ice Cube share two things in common. The first is the xXx franchise, although it's probably safe to say that Cube is not going to be asked back. The second is that they both realized the genius of the Governator. So, each one followed his career trajectory by taking an offbeat role as a hardass suddenly surrounded by a group of children. The result is exactly the sort of fish out of water humor upon which Hollywood formula is based. Not coincidentally, both Are We There Yet? and The Pacifier are two of the biggest hits of 2005. They have combined domestic box office of almost $200 million, an astonishing total in a down year. It's enough to make a box office analyst/movie lover curl up in the fetal position and cry the night away. If you like Vin Diesel and are amused by the shenanigans likely to ensue from his handling of diapers, knock yourself out.
For people who fully appreciate the simple beauty of a man being violently catapulted through a flaming table: ECW One Night Stand (2005)
As mentioned above, this is an atrocious week for DVDs. For this reason, I am forced to go with my heart about which compilation I most want to own. Loathe as I am to encourage readers to give Vince McMahon any money after his butchering of the Edge/Lita/Matt Hardy situation, I have no choice here. The reality is that ECW: One Night Stand is the best release of the week to anyone who has at least a passing interest in the men's serial that is pro wrestling. In the mid-'90s, a new form of the sport captured the interest of bloodthirsty fans looking for something new. Matches were no longer carefully choreographed exercises in storyline. Instead, the ECW way of life dictated super-human feats of acrobatics, many of which were, well, incredibly stupid to attempt. I still vividly recall the shock I felt the first time I saw Tommy Dreamer chokeslammed from a balcony down through several stacked tables, finally resting in a crumpled heap on a concrete floor. Dreamer was the heart and soul of his wrestling company, a believer who sacrificed body and soul for the sport/vocation he loved. This DVD compiled from a pay-per-view event earlier this month is very much a nod to the men like Dreamer, the Dudley Boys, Sabu and the others. This group continually demonstrated reckless disregard for their bodies while attempting to entertain the tiny crowds who frequented ECW's arena/bingo hall. I will gladly spend $20 in order to acknowledge their careers, even if the money does unfortunately go into McMahon's pockets instead of those of the rightful man, Paul Heyman.
June 28, 2005
7 Seconds (2005)
Acacia (2003)
Admissions (2004)
Bad Guy (2001)
The Best Thief in the World (2004)
Brooklyn Bound (2004)
The Browning Version (Criterion Edition) (1951)
Colors Straight Up (1997)
Crazed Fruit (Criterion Edition) (1956)
Crutch (2004)
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Indecision 2004 (3-DVD Set) (2005)
Diary of a Mad Black Woman (Full Frame) (2005)
Diary of a Mad Black Woman (Widescreen) (2005)
Dirty Mary Crazy Larry (1974)
EM: Embalmer (1999)
Game Over: The Complete Collection (2-DVD Set) (2004)
Girl from Rio (2001)
Gunner Palace (2005)
H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds (2005)
Keys to the House (2004)
Kibakichi (2003)
La Femme Nikita: The Complete Third Season (6-DVD Set) (1999)
Monsieur N. (2003)
Nightmare (2000)
Overnight (2004)
The Pacifier (Full Frame) (2005)
The Pacifier (Widescreen) (2005)
Race with the Devil (1975)
Shallow Ground (2004)
The Sisterhood (2004)
Shadow of the Wraith (2001)
The Slaughterhouse Massacre (2005)
So Fresh, So Clean (2005)
Stone Cold (2005)
Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1988)
Treasure N Tha Hood (2005)
Up Against the 8 Ball (2004)