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The episode begins with enough chefs to feed a thousand people making their way to the Alamo. All of them seem to realize through quick head counts that the math doesn’t check out. This is the same problem the editors of the episode face. Due to the volume of participants, it is all but impossible to give early face time to all of them. This causes us to monitor carefully every second of camera time a contestant is given. We figure that if they get too much focus early, they’re not long for Top Chef…unless they are simply inciteful/engaging. Anyone who has different hair, teary eyes or a strung out inflection is toast. In a single 43 minute episode, a lot is going to happen quickly and every clue will tell a lot of backstory. To make this first recap clearer, we will avoid describing individual dishes since 29 of them will bore you to tears and we will only discuss particular players if they get significant face time. We are operating under the assumption that face time is bad more often than not. We will see if our theory proves sound.

Padma shows up, sweet, luscious Padma and she drops the boom on the players. They are informed that nobody is on the show yet. There will be a competition to determine the 16 chefs who deserve the opportunity to become Top Chef. There will be three groups with a decision made for each one about which chefs have earned their coats, which ones are immediately eliminated and which ones will cook in a tiebreaker round.

At this point, we cut to what we believe is a cah-reepy 14-year-old husky-faced girl pretending to be a man. The she/he/it has teeth that would make a beaver envious and his (?) audition tape is immediately shown. We learn that this person is in fact 22 and named Tyler Stone. You do not have to be a reality show veteran observer to know that Tyler Stone is not long for this competition. This is good because TV’s Dexter would be wigged out by this man who we presume collects human heads he stores in a freezer. Please do not let us be wrong about his elimination.

After the groups are divided, we switch to the Top Chef kitchen where Tom and Emeril are awaiting the members of Group A. They introduce themselves and in an odd quirk of fate, two co-workers from the same Chicago restaurant, Moto, are not only in the competition but also in this first heat. Some of their time at Moto is documented with our suspicion being that this is done because it is cool/random rather than because neither one makes it. Their names are Chris Jones and Richie Farina. Jones is the taller one who wears geeky glasses. Farina is sporting a Mohawk-ish hairstyle that has exactly the same appearance as if he were a bald man who had purchased a curly toupee six sizes too large for his head. Based on hair alone, we are on Team CJ. Grab some scissors and you can sway our vote, Farina.

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