Let's be frank here. I'm no fan of the comic book, but it seems pretty clear to me that Peter Parker is a wuss of astronomical proportions. And Spider-Man? Well, he's a wisecracking, talky character who really isn't broody or dark like some of the superior super-heroes and in fact, said heroes never even thought highly enough of Spidey to ask him to join the Superfriends or the Justice League. Yes, they might be the same organization. No, I don't care. (Also, if you write in to tell me that Spider-Man is a Marvel character while the other ones come from DC I'm going to reply to you using only quotes from Comic-Book Guy.)

But I digress. Stinky-senses activated or not, I'll be seeing Spider-Man despite my vehement loathing of the trailers and general indifference about the subject matter. Not that Sam Raimi really cares about my $5.50 (there's no way I go to anything but a matinee), but giving his pal Bruce Campbell a six-minute cameo was, in my very singular opinion, a masterstroke.

While it may seem ridiculous that I'm willing to sit through tripe for a very brief glimpse of a guy who I have actually met in real life, these brief film and television appearances have almost become Bruce's trademark in recent years. From his early days playing "Police Officer on Motorcycle" in It's Murder! to his current role as "Ring Announcer", Bruce's career and reputation as the foremost B-movie actor rely on his willingness to jump into any role with a willful abandon. So, in honor of what is likely to be, ahem, "his" biggest box-office success to date, let's take a look at ten of the greatest Bruce Bit Parts.

10. Homicide: Life on the Street - Jake Rodzinsky

Bruce's brief stint on Homicide was as an embittered cop who played hard-and-fast with the rules. After his father is killed and the murderer is acquitted, Rodzinsky decides to - *gasp* - take the law into his own hands. All in all, the episode lacks suspense entirely, as there's never any real doubt about what happened. This is Bruce Campbell making a special guest appearance, after all, and we can't really have any reasonable expectations that he'll be hanging around for any length of time. To his credit, he's pretty good at the belligerent, swagger-y thing, so he's not a bad fit for the role at all. Unfortunately, he does have a mustache that's so awful that I wondered if he stood in front of the mirror singing "Got that feelin', mustache feelin' in my soul, got that feelin', from my lip down to my toe." Also, a note to Bruce: Don't take roles where your character kills dogs.

9. Assault on Dome Four - Alex Windham

Okay, so this one is a bit of a cheat, as he actually has one of the three main roles in the film, but nobody saw it anyway so I think it bears mentioning. Bruce is never so entertaining as when he plays the evil genius. While Windham is supposed to be a brilliant villain with designs on blowing up the Earth, Bruce somehow infuses him with an ironic "Apes don't read philosophy" sort of humor nonetheless. He's lecherous and wry and throws terrific tantrums when things don't go his way. Also, he gets huge bonus points for the Members Only jacket. It takes guts to allow oneself to be subjected to costuming of that quality, but it's even more impressive that he's actually able to pull the look off (and he far outshines the lead "Hey, it's that guy!" actor). For a guy who's so smart, though, he dies in a really stupid way; also, there's no way in hell the main actress would choose the vanilla, dull hero over him. But, hey, it's Assault on Dome Four, not 2001: A Space Odyssey or even Marvin the Martian vs. the World. Lowered expectations, people.

8. Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman - Bill Church, Jr.

I must have an affinity for Bruce as the bad guy, because here he is again as the head of the cleverly named Intergang. His character actually managed to last three entire episodes (that's good), which meant I actually felt compelled to watch a show about a super-hero even lamer than Spider-Man (that's bad). His brilliant plan is to expose the Super One to a special kind of Kryptonite that makes him - you guessed it - apathetic. An evil character that compels Superman to see a psychiatrist! Novel! Honestly, though, Church was a pretty fun character that Bruce played with that same sense of irony that tends to characterize all his villains. Thank God he doesn't take himself too seriously.

7. Weird Science: The Television Series - Gene

Bruce plays a 4,000-year-old genie named...Gene. All you need to know is that he wears the genie outfit with no hint of embarrassment. He also gets the girl for a little while (which is as it should be), until he is revealed to be - you guessed it - the heel. I'm starting to sense a trend here.

6. Ellen - Ed Billik

Here Bruce plays the boss from hell as the manager who takes charge of Buy the Book when Ellen sells out to a big corporation. He's a hunter and he's vile and what's worse, he immediately wants to fire Joe the coffee guy, which sets off a struggle for power between Ellen and the new head honcho. The heated rivalry continues both in the store and out and they battle on the bowling alley and on the billiard table. A few episodes later, Ellen announces she's gay.

5. Maniac Cop 2 - Jack Forrest

Maniac Cop 2 is one of those movies where Bruce lives for, like, five minutes. I was just happy that this was the case so I didn't have to watch past that point. All hail the glory of TiVo. (He does score extra here for having the guts to wear tennis shoes with Docker-style pants; my God, do I ever hate that.)

4. The Majestic - Brett Armstrong/Roland

How did he play two characters in his ten minutes of screen time (in a film that clocked in at an interminable two-and-a-half hours)? I'm not completely certain, since I could never tell the difference, but this alone merits high placement on the list. In The Majestic, Bruce basically plays a caricature of himself (which is admittedly tough to do), bearing a strong resemblance to his character in Jack of All Trades. Bruce happened to mention at one point that Jim Carrey was terrified of him and stayed far away (and this is taking into account the fact that the two really don't even share screen time at all). It's not at all a memorable film but I do have a strong recollection of the swashbuckling Roland. At least something made an impression.

3. Congo - Charles Travis

Bruce makes it exactly seven minutes into this film (praise TiVo again) before he is torn apart by killer apes. Poor Laura Linney is left waiting for his transmission and arguing with Joe Don Baker about the inappropriateness of his grief for the likely death of his son. Here's my question: how the hell does Mitchell get more face time than Bruce? Travesty. Either way, this film gets huge props because it features a token appearance not only for Bruce but also minstrel extraordinaire Jimmy Buffett, who can be seen ever-so-briefly as he plays the pilot of the plane Linney and Co. take to Africa. Also, Bruce gets to provide further evidence that he is Hollywood's true Scream King. If you've seen this film and the Evil Dead flicks, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

2. American Gothic - Lt. Drey

Like Bruce, American Gothic is a show that was totally unappreciated in its time and it's a damned shame, too. It only seems appropriate, then, that this one-episode role should appear on my list. He plays a cop whose brother-in-law has supposedly been cheating with the town floozy. She just also happens to be the girlfriend (of sorts) of local sheriff Lucas Buck (that's Buck with a "B"). It's a buggy episode to say the least, and Bruce winds up providing further proof that animals eating people=$$$. Oh, wait.

1. Hercules: The Legendary Journeys/Xena: Warrior Princess - Autolycus

Ah, Autolycus. Certainly the third or fourth most swoon-worthy of all the characters in the Campbell universe, it's probably fudging a bit to put Autolycus on this list. After all, Bruce did appear in 11 Hercules episodes and eight for Xena, but he was never officially a member of the ongoing casts. He was a true boost to any Hercules episode in which he appeared, since Kevin Sorbo is at best wooden and fairly bland (though I continue to have a little crush on the adorable Michael Hurst), and his mocking portrayal of series executive producer Rob Tapert in a couple of the episodes allows the audience a glimpse into the wacky Raimi/Tapert/Campbell world. In one particular Xena murder-mystery episode, he's able to portray a range of emotions - from comic to secretly smitten - that show his real capabilities. It's roles like this one, along with Brisco County, Jr. in particular (where he was the hero and primary character), that show exactly what he's capable of doing. Also, he has a soul patch.

Clearly, Bruce Campbell is a man who is unafraid to laugh at himself, but even more importantly, he always lets the audience in on the joke with an implied wink and nod. It's through his smallest roles that this ability becomes most apparent. So I'll close with a little plug for his next small television role: he'll play an FBI agent on the season finale of the WB's Charmed on May 16th. I won't reveal whether he plays the rogue.